Could it be Summer?

This past week, from getting chemo on Tuesday all the way through to Sunday afternoon, I spent most of it either in bed or curled up on our couch waiting for chemotherapy side effects to end. Of all the treatments received since last September, this was clearly the worst.

But today, things have begun to change. It’s Monday, and here’s my view as I sit and write this blog. Weather is 72° and sunny. The birds are singing, and sitting here on the Lehigh River is absolutely perfect. (It reminds me a little bit of relaxing by our Saco River in New Hampshire!) I cannot express how it feels to be alive and human again… breathing fresh air instead of cancer drugs… hearing birds singing instead of IV infusion pumps chugging away… and seeing blue sky, sunshine and still waters instead of the inside of our (wonderful, yes) house. Thank you God that despite all those drugs and chemicals poured into our veins in the hope of medical miracles, You can flush them out and bring us back to the living once again! I am so very grateful!

So, of course, though glad to have this experience behind me, I have quite firmly decided that I do NOT want a repeat of last week. The real question is: “What went wrong?” The nurse said (of course after all the infusions were done on Tuesday) that they increased my dosage. Was it too much? Was it mixed incorrectly? Was there some contamination, or a virus hanging out? Was my body just not ready for that cycle? FOLFIRINOX is a very toxic and aggressive chemo, designed specifically to attack Pancreatic cancer which is still quite deadly. Am I just getting to the point (as all 5FU patients eventually do) that I just can’t handle it? Or… am I just being a wuss?

Then there is this other option.

In my counseling sessions over the past few months, there’s been a lot of talk going on about quality of life and how treatment affects that. So far, as anyone else out there with an incurable disease knows, this question of continuing or quitting treatment is not easy to address. If no treatment means no life, than theoretically ANY treatment, no matter how severe, gives quality to life since you are indeed living through it. However… and this is the big part… if those treatments cause half (or more) of your life to be sick and unproductive… and there is no promise of cure, or even how much longer you will live… and if the treatment cycle is tagged “indefinite,” or if the treatment toxicity is so severe that it may even shorten your life… Well, you see where this all leads. Ultimately we must be satisfied beyond reasonable doubt that HOW we live our lives is what determines the quality of our life. Knowing that our choices make each day truthful, meaningful, purposeful, and special for those we love, live with, and work side by side is what makes them “quality”.

Just to be clear here, I am not discussing assisted suicide or mercy killings or anything like that. Choosing how to live is vastly different than choosing not to live. Sometimes quality of life is trusting that God has your days numbered already, so rather than giving up on life and having someone take it from you, it’s giving INTO the life God has planned and already portioned out… long before you were even born.

In truth, six months ago in prayer, I felt God told me I have fifteen more years to live. That was after my diagnosis and during the first few cycles of chemo I received. Sure, that’s just a Voice in prayer… but that Voice has been a guide for me the last 3o+ years of my life. “That” Voice has never let me down through thirty years of marriage and family, cross country moves to serve the Lord in ministry, multitudes of pastoral care decisions… all the way from building and planting a thriving church from nothing, to leaving it ten years ago. That Voice in prayer is one I have always been able to trust. So why not trust now?

Whatever comes next (no, I haven’t made a final decision yet), whatever it is, it will be a step of faith and trust. And the best part of faith is that God will meet you where you’re at. If you act, but heard wrong, well, He’ll correct you. If you’re in panic mode about choices, He’ll help calm you. And in the end… steps of faith always leave you falling into His loving and capable hands. Really, there’s nothing to worry about when you pray and act in faith.

Finally. When… not if… when life finally comes to an end, heaven awaits. And truly, that’s not such a bad option! After all, we’re all headed there one day. We just don’t know which day it will be. So we do need to make EVERY moment count with all the “quality of life” we can possibly muster up!

Blessings,

Sandy K.