More than Determined


It’s been a week since starting with Hospice. I’m glad to have made the choice when I did. Physically, my body has most definitely begun a new chapter in this story, and placing myself in the hands of pain management specialists is turning out to be a good place to rest.

Our back yard garden and resting spot. A refreshing place to be!
Our back yard garden and resting spot. A refreshing place to hang out!

Abdominal and chest pain, loss of appetite, digestion problems, and more have become quite the issues lately, pretty much increasing steadily. I’ve been placed on 24 hour morphine with time release pills (150mg/day), and also with faster acting hits when needed. One of the most difficult side effects of pain meds at this level (combined with pancreatic failure due to the cancer) is the ability to process foods. The past few days we’ve tweaked meds to try and manage that better, but honestly, that is an area still in need of much prayer as the doctors and nurses try to find a mix that works best for me. Still working on that. Due to the mix of issues, I’ve also signed off to refuse any future feeding tubes. I mean really, will any bottled supplement ever compete with Christy’s culinary skills? I think not.

Other side effects… well… I can no longer drive. I’ve been told it just isn’t safe while at this level of sedation. I’m also much more drowsy than I’ve been before and it’s amazing how easy it is to drift from reality to dream-land in just a few moments when the eyes close. There are times here and there when telling the difference between the two is quite the challenge. I suppose I should just take advantage of this strange blur of thoughts & realities and write a movie script or two!! One of them might be a big hit in the psycho-drama genre! I’ve also experienced a few panic episodes recently, probably due to those blurred lines. This has all been a bit odd.

I do have an amazing team of people at Hospice and at home, however, guiding me through these changes, holding my hand each step along the way, and slowly but kindly reminding me that more changes will come. I know they’re watching out for my emotional well-being and that of my family for a journey I’ve spent the last year preparing for. And the lead nurse reminded me in the most gracious and light-hearted way yesterday, that she has far more medication in her little bag than I could ever muster up in pain. It was her way of encouraging me not to be anxious about anything but to focus on life instead. Nurse Kelley is the best!


Speaking of preparing… What a blessing these past ten months have been. We owe God a mountain of gratitude. There are so many others who get diagnosed with the same late-stage pancreatic cancer who had so little time to complete their lives. For me, not only have I been able to maintain a satisfying degree of physical health between chemo cycles, but this has also been an amazing year of healing and restoration emotionally and spiritually. This has been time I really needed to right some wrongs, get old “To-Do’s” crossed off the list, and set my life in order. I think the old “bucket list” is done. Might be time to make a new one to fill the time still at hand!

And even though we’ve moved on from oncological treatments, I want to recognize Dr. Anna and her oncology team at VITA Medical. I do believe that without their help and care, things could have been much worse for me. For a small town clinic, it has always been amazing how right on they’ve been when I’ve sought second opinions from much larger cancer care centers in Boston and Philly. Their care is among the highest available in the medical community and they were always pleasant to work with.


So where does all this leave me? Honestly, I’m not sure yet, but am fully determined to make each day, each week… however long I have… count for something meaningful in God’s sight. Here’s what I’ve learned from the past and what I’ll be focusing on in the days to come.

  • I confess that since leaving our years of active ministry, my closeness to God has been spotty. Never lost my core faith, but I feel more like the woman clutching to the hem of the Lord’s garment than John who leaned on Jesus’ chest at the last supper. I know clutching still counts, but closeness is better and that’s where I long to return to. Bible reading, prayer, fellowship, reconciliation… these things are all important. And church… well, it’s like family. None are perfect. But living without either is just plain miserable in the end. Community is about staying connected and contributing what you can to the whole. No more excuses that it doesn’t work out. You’re a part of it, so help make it work out. Right? We can all do that in our immediate (or “birth”) family and spiritual family.
  • I believe the last ten years have had some difficult moments with my children. I mean really, there was a year back a ways when all four of them were teenagers. O.M.G. was that time hard. Now they’re all in their 20’s and things are so much better. For any parents of teens, please let me encourage you to learn from my misses. Love them first, fix them last. Pretty simple. With the time I have left, I choose to focus on love. And thank you kids, for being understanding and patient with me all those years!
  • In marriage, there just ain’t nuttin’ worth living in discord. The Bible says to esteem others higher than yourself. Showing respect, finding understanding, making sacrifices for the other… This is what makes marriage work. I am so blessed that I can say after nearly 30 years of wedlock, marrying Christy was the best thing to ever happen. She is my angel.  My prayer now is that I can communicate that 1000 ways every day!
  • At the end of today’s list, I am also setting a goal to find as many ways as possible to do activities which focus my mind on life and not looming death. Been struggling with that, but I know it needs to be done. So hanging out with visitors, getting out to do things that CAN be done within my new physical limits, playing piano or working on art, reading… etc. Just looking for things that help my mind focus on good. That’s what’s important.

This is certainly a difficult time for so many of us. Let’s make an agreement to walk through it together with God’s help. So I’m here for you, and it is comforting to know that you’ll be there for me and my family. Maybe, with faith, we can keep things going for a very long time to come!

Thanks!

 

13 Comments

  • Bernard Plimpton

    07/23/2016

    Hello Sandy! after reading your latest I must confess that tears were forming in my eyes! We both know that cancer any form is a tool of the devil!
    you know that we LOVE you and think about you every day! sometimes I feel guilty because I feel so good! and seeing so many people out there much younger having dreadful diseases! our hearts are with both you and Christy. I know that you will make every minute, every second count, and if you get to heaven before I do please be waiting for me, and put a word in for me to God! please communicate as much as you can. Bernie

    Reply
    • Sandy

      07/23/2016

      “For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.” (1 Co 13:11–13)

      I must say, looking forward from this moment to seeing that verse fulfilled is a deep comfort at times like this.

      Reply
  • Diane Beauchner

    07/23/2016

    I’ve been meditating on your words since I read them this morning. You have a gift of expression using the written word … such awe-inspiring truth, genuineness and selflessness in letting us see in to your life and that of your family. You know, I never believed the hype that those you love live on with you even after death until my father died last month. My belief has changed. I believe my father is with God in heaven, I’m glad that he is not suffering anymore, I carry him with me in my heart …. but I miss him terribly at times.

    You are one of the most spiritually fit people I know. Thank you for your inspiration. I wish I could help you in some earthly way …

    I’m still struggling with the meaningfulness of telling someone that you are praying for them. Does it help? Just questioning. Following your lead and reflecting on what I say and what I do. I want it to have meaning. I can’t say that I’m praying for you and your family if I don’t believe that it helps in some way. If you tell me it helps I will pray. I’ve been searching for the answer to that question for a long, long time …

    Reply
    • Sandy

      07/23/2016

      Diane,
      Thanks so much for your kind words. I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad. I lost both my parents a few years ago within the span of just a few months. In particular, I carry my mom in my heart through all these trials I’ve been going through. I have fond memories of her encouragement and love when I was very young and envision her reminding me now, saying, “It’s going to be okay. You can make it through this!” My dad passed from cancer. If God should call me home soon, I look forward to seeing them both again beyond the hurts of their divorce and finally at peace with each other and the universe. So I totally understand what you say about carrying your dad in your heart. Makes perfect sense.
      Regarding prayer, yes, I believe it has value beyond what we can imagine or know. Every religion man has believed in understands that there is an energy that created everything and sustains us in that creation. At it’s very base element, prayer is mankind’s way to put off the earthly and reach into the eternal. In Christianity, prayer is connecting with God. It’s not so much pleading to change His mind, as it is an opportunity to discuss the situation with Him. That’s what people do in a loving relationship. Communicate. So prayer is communicating with our loving Creator. Throughout the Bible we see how attentive He is to our prayers. It’s an awesome thing really. As a cancer patient, knowing people are interceding for me, especially when my strength falters, is something I hang onto with hope and thanksgiving. Yes, it does make a difference… to me, to God, and also to you, becoming a vital part of what’s going on beyond this earthly existence.
      So thank you for prayer. It helps in all kinds of wonderful ways!

      Reply
  • Bruce DeBord

    07/23/2016

    Sandy you know me—I didn’t make it past the first line of your blog! I’m a mess but I rejoice with the Lord. Your strength is overwhelming and is obviously inspired by God and Christy and your children. The life you are living is truly inspiring. Beverly and I pray for you regularly. In God’s timing we are all very close to meeting God face to face, in comparison to eternity. I cherish our friendship. Bruce

    Reply
  • Marilyn D.

    07/23/2016

    Dear Sandy,
    I write this through blurred tearful eyes….your letter is written so Beautifully and with such Faith, Hope and Love. You are recving deserved Love and Support….that which you, Christy and Family gave so freely and generously in your ministry here in the MWValley over those many years serving the Lord and us, the community here.
    Perhaps allowing publication of your Journey would be a help to others in their cancer walk. Hospice would benefit from this section ….helping others at such a critical time appreciating Life and Living it in a ‘best possible way’. THANK YOU for your intimate sharings .
    May God continue to keep you Strong and Courageous …and the Family …..each step of the way IN Faith and Love.

    Reply
  • Joanna Moore

    07/23/2016

    So much to say… but you continue to inspire me even today. Sandy Kravette I learned more from you about faith than from any other teacher I have ever known. You continue to encourage me as I read your posts. They ooze of faith. I pray each and every day you all know just how much you are loved and cared for. We thank you for sharing your most innermost thoughts and for your honesty and transparency. It truly is beautiful. Praying for you daily. For strength, peace and JOY unspeakable. Love in Christ, yours in New England, Dave and Joanna Moore

    Reply
  • Eric

    07/24/2016

    Sandy,
    You are continually in my thoughts and prayers and have moved to be one of my life mentors. Your journey, your reflections, your struggles, and your wins have changed the way I wake each morning and decide to experience my day. Your family (and I mean all of us!) is richer and gracious because you have shared so much with us. You body will do what it needs to, but your spirit flourishes in us all.

    Reply
  • Terry F

    07/24/2016

    Sandy,
    Your were always a great writer. So talented at everything you. I could use you to do some script writing for me. Never was my strong suit. We’ve come a long ways from tacos at Julios. As a mater of fact, they tore that building down. Good thing, it was over-run with roaches!

    I pray for you, Christy and your family daily. If I don’t get to see you, we’ll catch up in the throne room just as long as I don’t have to run sound!

    God Bless,
    Terry

    Reply
  • mandy

    07/24/2016

    My baby brother, you have and always will continue to amaze me beyond words. I hope you can feel my love with you, and know that you are forever in my heart, prayers and thoughts. I don’t know if you remember this, but, ” faith, hope, and love abide, and the greatest of these is love” was one of Mom’s favorite verses. She gave to me her necklace and I treasure it, it makes me cry tears of joy to see you write that here and makes me know that mom is sending you strength and her love to help get thru these hard moments. XXXOOO

    Reply
  • alicia

    07/25/2016

    We have not found a finer teacher of scripture, so many of us carry the gift of knowledge from our time at cfne. We will continue to pray for you and your family.

    Reply
  • Louise aka Señora

    07/25/2016

    Sandy,
    I can barely breathe! Your honesty astounds me yet I’ve never known you to be anything other than honest. Let me add kind, caring, inspirational and you know how loved you are by all of us. You know how much your whole family means to me ( I spent a few of those teens years with you and your kids sitting around the table, cup of tea and a Christy scone or two in hand ). The Howards are sending you loving thoughts and prayers every day!

    Reply
  • David Fowler

    08/03/2016

    Sandy,
    I find myself at a loss for words after reading your blog. Your grace and strength and words of wisdom are an inspiration not only for people facing similar challenges but words to live by in everyday life.
    Know that you are loved and in our prayers.

    Reply

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